The more I think I know about life the more God shows me how much knowledge I truly lack. The unknown used to scare me to death. Not knowing what my life would look like, not having a plan, not knowing what I should major in or what career I should pursue, at one time or another these things have all driven me to my knees begging God to show me “His Will for my life”. It has taken me a long time to understand that His Will is simply for me to trust in Him and to be obedient to wherever and whatever He calls me, whenever He calls me. It’s amazing the freedom that comes with knowing that and with putting Him first!
I’ve never been much of a decision maker. I overthink and over analyze everything, and I will replay in my head the pros and cons of any decision, no matter how small, before I will actually put my foot down and make the decision. I’ve gotten better at this through the last several years, but I still struggle with it. This time though I am faced with several decisions and the options and the opportunities are exciting to me!
My last blog post was more than 3 months ago (which I greatly apologize for!) and a lot has happened since then. I started a new job, began working 40 hours a week and juggled work and home responsibilities (though not very well). Exactly 3 months after I started I completed my last day on the job there as my husband and I moved back to our hometown and he started a new job. I am currently working 3 days a week and am looking for another part time job (or jobs) to fill the rest of the time and to help contribute to our savings for a house.
I’m finding myself in the position of needing to make some decisions, decisions much like the ones I struggled with fresh out of high school. Questions like “What do I want to do with my life?” and “Where can I be working now to work towards my long term goals?”. But this time it’s different. This time these decisions don’t just affect me, they affect my husband and possibly someday our future children as well. That’s a lot of pressure for someone who doesn’t like making decisions!
These decisions are also different for another reason though. They’re different because instead of pleading with God to give me some magic answer to His Will, I’m determined to use this time to spend more time with Him, to get to know Him better and to ask Him to shape me and work through me, no matter where I am or where I work. I want my focus to be on serving Him in every situation, not on what the “right answer” is to what my situation job-wise should be. I’m finding there’s so much more freedom in that because instead of worrying about if I’m understanding what He wants and if it’s the right or wrong opportunity, my only worries are on what I can do to improve my prayer life and to spend more time in the Word and in prayer.
That’s not to say that I still don’t worry about the decisions that I make or what I best need to be doing to help my family, but my perspective is different. Although I have someone else counting on me now, I also have someone else to bounce ideas off of, someone to encourage me throughout the process, and someone that’s willing to put his foot down and make a decision for me if I need him to. I have a different perspective on my role now, my role as a wife and my role as a daughter of God. My primary calling above all else is to put God first in my life and my family second. Keeping that in mind, and continuing to put my time and effort into those areas, the other decisions in my life will eventually fall into place.